• Monique Harding

Core Desire Series - No.2 The Desire for Control

Possibly the desire with the highest potential to cripple us is that of the desire for control.

There is no doubt that life is unpredictable. We can plan for x and end up with y. Events will inherently be outside of our control. In fact, the mere act of being in relationship with others guarantees that we will not be in the drivers seat all the time. Relationships are unpredictable and ultimately are impossible to control; as are communities, families and any other systems you are involved in.

How does the Desire for Control become problematic? Perhaps it is that is so often misdirected. If we put the same focus on increasing control within ourselves and our own thoughts and behaviours rather than that of our children, partners, friends and co-workers, we would ultimately all benefit. It is the frustration and rigidity of focus towards others that intensifies worry.

When properly channeled, this desire has the potential to increase our sense of fulfilment. It helps us be more direct and intentional with our focus. We just need to turn that mirror inward.

Just like the saying “you can’t control the weather when you are stuck in the middle of the storm, but you can control your reaction to it”. Ultimately, the only thing we can control in this world is our own behaviour.

Questions for self-growth [?] What things do you currently have control over in your life? [?] How can you thoughtfully respond to things that are outside of your control? [?] What frustrates you most in others? How can you apply this to your own life in terms of what you want to role model? - you might like to think of a specific relationship or person for this one. [?] When was the last time you were frustrated by another persons behaviour? Whether it be your child mid-tantrum, a non-compliant partner or absent minded teen. Think about how the interaction could have been different if you focused your energy on your own behaviour and actions rather than voicing the desire for control. [?] How might the desire for control create avoidance of potential issues (large scale such as climate change, immigration policy etc)

- Monique Harding

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